Here I sit, on a snowy Saturday morning, drinking my coffee and trying to just relax.
As I sit still, in the quiet, the voice in my head cranks up and starts a familiar diatribe: You should be doing…and the list starts, and keeps going and going, I start to feel guilty for just taking time to be, instead of running around playing catch up, as is my usual routine when I have a moment’s peace.
I have a habit of needing to be going Mach 10 with my hair on fire all of the time. Spinning plates, taking care of stuff, taking care of people, problem solving, helping, pleasing…
Sound familiar?
I have spent a lot of time focused most if not at sometimes all of my time and energy on people and things outside of myself. It’s how I have been conditioned throughout my entire life. Take care of them. Put them first. Focusing on yourself is selfish.
What crap. Putting my everything into everybody else only leaves me seriously depleted. Wasted. Frustrated. Exhausted. And at several points in my existence, sick.
That’s no way to live. And if you think that it is, let me tell you now: that’s no way to live.
So I had to start figuring out where I got the idea that I was to live my life in that manner. Even though I can’t point to the exact moment I received the message, the exact day that I began the training, the exact person or people who taught me this way to live, I began to recognize the voice inside that pushed me to do. Do more, Do even more. That voice that would tell me that no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. And that I had to just keep doing, no matter how I felt, or what I really wanted for myself. There it was.
Now, I hear the voice for what it is: it is a conditioning that I received. It isn’t me. I recognize that it is not healthy or helpful. Well, maybe a little helpful, because I can record those things that I need to do, and review them at a later time to determine if they are really a priority or not. Because I know that everything is not important (another really important lesson that I needed and have learned).
So, I sit, and sip my coffee. I get up and look at the snowy landscape outside of my window. I listen to myself breathe, and take a moment to be grateful for time to rest and relax. I tell the voice that I no longer bow down to the religion of “should”. I forgive myself for previously reacting to that voice every time a “should” popped up. I sip more coffee and learn to relax. I don’t have to do anything at this moment. All I have to do, is be.
I remind myself that I am okay, and all is well. All is well.
