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I have always been different. You know all of the clichés…cut from a different cloth, marching to the beat of a different drummer, etc.  But the world teaches early and often that conformity is the norm and expected. So, I have spent a great deal of my life attempting to fit in. 

It has not gone well. I have evolved into an expert-level chameleon, sliding in and out of various environments without significant difficulty. Family, friends, school, military, career. Slip in and get in line. But it always felt like it was costing me pieces of my soul. 

I thought that Gay Hendricks stated it so well in The Big Leap (a book that I highly recommend if you are seeking personal growth).  Many of us, and I am definitely one of this group of ‘us’, feel that we are “fundamentally flawed”. That there is something wrong with us because we stand out, because of our absolute feelings of inadequacy with the status quo. Everyone else seems to be able to do it without overwhelming stress or trauma, right?

But there’s one problem: it is all an illusion. We are all different. Our greatness is in our differences. There is not another creature on this Earth that looks like you, thinks like you, feels like you and makes decisions like you. Even if you are a twin or other multiple, you are different. But the world has trained us to ignore the differences and seek the similarities. Similarities that have been manufactured so that others can understand us. So that others can categorize us for their own understanding. 

I continue to struggle with this. “What do I wear?” “Who do I talk to?” “Will people notice if I look different?”  These are all questions from the struggle with conformity. I am fighting daily to live in my own truth. Maybe I am not as feminine as others expect. Maybe I am not as docile as others expect. Maybe I will not tamp down my intelligence or ideas as others expect. I am an enigma. I cannot spend all of my time and energy trying to get you to understand. I am me. You can accept me as I am or draw your own conclusions and move on. I am not responsible for you. I am responsible for me. And I have to stand and live in my own truth in order to be the person I was intended to be at my creation. So, I will remember that I am in fact NOT fundamentally flawed. The world’s expectations of me are flawed. I don’t have to fit into your box. I came into this world with my own. I am unique and that is more than enough.

Awareness starts with looking within…

I ran across this as I was reading from a daily inspiration book. Reading this book is usually part of my morning routine. Meditation, read daily inspirations/devotionals and journaling. I started with the devotionals. The book Daily Inspiration by Robin Sharma is on the reading list. Here’s the entire inspiration for today:

As your awareness expands, you will become aware of things you previously could neither see nor understand. We don’t know what we don’t know – until we start looking within. All is good here. All that has unfolded for you is leading you to a fantastic place.

I got here today due to several reasons. Upon waking, I realized that my mind was all over the place. I couldn’t land on what to do first (other than drink my coffee!) I could not decide what needed to be done today, and began to spiral into self-doubt and procrastination. All by 7AM! Now, it is the weekend, and it has been a very long week. But I feel as if I say that EVERY weekend… Anyway, I got my coffee, thought a little bit more about my indecision and uneasy feelings, and decided that maybe I should get some things out of my head. Well, my journal was located under my inspiration/devotional books.

I took a sip of coffee as I grabbed my journal and looked at the books. I usually don’t read them on the weekends. I “give myself a break.” And I thought to myself, “what if I read them”? It couldn’t hurt. So I did.

I talk alot about how awareness is the first step to aligning your mindset with your greatness. Awareness requires that you look at yourself. All of yourself. We are often afraid to do this, as there are inevitably parts of us that we are not happy with, not proud of, downright don’t like.

But that’s okay. How are you supposed to change your life if you aren’t clear on what needs to change? Change always starts with you. Change always starts within you. Your story is yours. The good, the bad, the ugly. In order to change you and your story, you have to acknowledge it. In order to change it, you have to own it.

So start with awareness. Just be aware of who you are. It’s okay. If there is something that you don’t like about you, guess what??? You can change it. But you have to know what that thing is. You have to be aware of you.

And remember what Robin Sharma said: “All is good here.” Learn to separate the problem from the person. You aren’t bad. What you don’t like about yourself isn’t all of you. It’s one characteristic that you can change. If you are willing to acknowledge it. You are great. You are amazing. Working on you will only elevate your greatness.

All is good here.

I recently found myself feeling uneasy. “Uneasy” is the word that I use when I can’t put a more direct name to how I am feeling. I have discovered that if I start with “uneasy” I will eventually get to the root of my feelings and be able to look back at the thought or thoughts that are causing the feelings. So I started with “uneasy” today, in an effort to acknowledge that I was feeling not great. Owning how I feel is important to me, as I am committed to not burying my feelings any longer. So I owned that I felt out of sorts. Uneasy.

Sometimes I find myself afraid to be alone with my thoughts. Maybe I fear hearing something negative. Maybe I fear hearing the truth. But today, I allowed the thoughts to come, and told myself that no matter what came up, I would be okay. And I am okay. The thoughts that I allowed to come were, “What if I fail? What if it doesn’t work?” Again, I am questioning myself and my ability to succeed. I have been here before. Except, this time I can hear the thoughts, instead of my usual pattern of avoiding the feelings and by default, the thoughts. I have often avoided looking behind how I feel out of that fear of seeing something bad that I can’t get past. I now know that I can get past anything, because I am capable of taking care of my whole self, including my emotional self.

So, I thoughts came. At first, I was unsure of what I should do with it. The old pattern was to hear them and accept them. For a long time I worked to examine the thoughts and feelings when I experienced them, to see if they were true. Today, when I realized what I was thinking, I immediately knew that the thoughts were not true. So I decided to insert some new thoughts. I just started thinking to myself, “What if I am successful? What if I do accomplish my goals? What if it DOES work? What will my life look like this time next year when I do accomplish my goals?”

I immediately felt relief. I had not been able to even identify the anxiety that I had been feeling. The uneasy feeling was actually anxiety. So there it is. And I am still okay. I am actually better, because I have uncovered another pattern that was pretty much unconscious, operating behind the scenes of my life. Like so many others, it probably served as a safety mechanism in another time, but now has been keeping me from being the best I can be.

When do you find yourself feeling uneasy? Is it hard to name how you are feeling? It happens to many of us, and we should be able to feel okay with examining our thoughts and feelings as we experience them. Don’t run from your feelings. Don’t fear your thoughts. Allow them to occur. And know you will be okay. If you need help looking at those thoughts, and feelings, let me know.

I can turn the act of thinking into an Olympic sport. Actually, I perform the act of thinking in a way that I believe it should probably earn me an Olympic medal.  But maybe not a gold medal. You see I am a chronic overthinker. The simplest of thoughts in my mind can be examined at such a deep scale that I very easily can lose the original intent of the thought. I can take what seems like an easy decision and spend hours making it a difficult choice. Trying to solve a problem can often lead to off ramps, rabbit holes and caves of great proportion, usually due to my ability to become easily distracted, or my anxiety around doing something perfectly, or at least in the best way possible. Mostly I am paralyzed by options. So many options.

It can be the most simple thing, such as purchasing a new pair of cycling shorts. I just resumed cycling, and bought a road bike. I need padded shorts for comfort. The problem lies in the sheer amount of options out there. Chamois, gel…different colors, different lengths. Good grief. Too many options. I can think of all of the things I would like, then all of the things that might work with this thing over that thing. Nothing seems just right. I spent hours looking at shorts.  Too many hours.

And then there is the phenomenon of analysis paralysis. Too many choices usually means that I can’t make a choice. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I have to get another pair because I didn’t get the right pair in the first place? Will gel last longer than chamois? Is the pair at this website cheaper than at that website? Is cheaper necessarily better? If I get the cheap pair, will they not last as long as the more expensive pair?

And then down the rabbit hole – it will get colder soon. I should look at long pants. If I need long pants then I need a long sleeve jersey. Look at all of the colors and designs! Do they have anything in my favorite color? Do they have anything that isn’t so flowery? What was that website that I saw last week that had that jersey that I liked?

Once I have traveled down the path of analysis paralysis and overwhelm, I am utterly exhausted and unable to make the simple choice that I initially set out to make. So I end this endeavor with nothing. Well, I have one thing: frustration. You would think that the frustration would help me break this pattern. But it continues time and time again.

So I have been working to develop a strategy to end this annoying behavior. I heard a great phrase from Josh Hatch: Make a decision, then make it right. Stop waiting for the perfect time, the perfect thing, the absolute right pair of cycling shorts. Pick one. If it isn’t right, you can pick another one that hopefully is more right than the first one. This isn’t a one strike and you’re out kind of world. You will screw up, but you can get another chance. Messing up isn’t the end of the world. Stop overthinking and underacting. Take some action. And if that doesn’t work out the way you hoped, take some more action. Until you get what you want.

Here in North Carolina, we have been preparing and waiting for Hurricane Florence. I live in the center of the state, and usually we do not get too worked up over a hurricane. But when the weather people invoked the name of Hurricane Fran, which landed in NC in 1996, powered her way through the middle of the state and devastated everything in her wake, I got pretty nervous. You see, I survived Fran in 1996 and did not enjoy one second of it. I dare to say that I was a bit traumatized by the experience. I lost a lot, had to move back in with my parents and felt as if I was essentially starting over after that storm. Now, many years later, I know that I am in a different place. But I could not deny how those memories made me feel. I began feeling a sense of dread. I was not very nice to be around, especially as we talked more about the impending storm and as preparations for this storm ramped up. I did eventually realize how I felt and both warned people about my possible reactions as well as apologized to several people regarding my behavior.

I find it amazing at times how we automatically react to things without any sense of why we are reacting that way. Sometimes it does take a few times to realize what we are doing. It is hard to see the pattern when you are in the middle of it. But we can often see it later. The key is whether or not you write the thoughts and behavior off, or you decide to address it. I am proud of myself for recognizing the thoughts and behavior. I decided to allow myself to feel what I felt. For me, it seemed to be the best way to let it pass, and hope that it would either not return or return in a diminished state. I have found that if I shine a light on the thoughts and behavior, the very act of illuminating it decreases its power. 

But, I decided to address the thoughts and actions related to how I felt about the storm that was coming. I had to acknowledge that I was afraid, but I did not have to behave badly because of how I felt. I recognized my thoughts but decided to be sure if the thoughts were founded in reality or fear. I decided to control what I could control, and try not to spend all of my time worrying about the rest. Once I took those steps, I immediately felt better.

So, I am sitting at home listening to the rain brought by the storm as I write this. I am proud that I am prepared for the storm, I am surviving the storm and I have learned from the storm. It is truly amazing how you can learn a lesson in almost any situation. If you stop, listen, reflect and decide to change. Recognize the patterns that you perform over and over. If they are not helpful to you, figure out what you need to do to change them. Then do it. Know that you are capable of change and you are capable of making your life better. Stop living in the realm of feeling bad, being afraid and doubting yourself. Move forward and change. You can do it. If I can you can!

I have struggled today with getting things done. I find myself wanting to just sit and do nothing, when I know that there are many things that I should be doing. When I stop and “rest” I often feel guilty. My Monday-Friday 9 to 5 work life is very hectic right now, and I often do not feel like focusing on anything else at the end of the work day. The weekend came along and I had high hopes of getting several things accomplished. And now, I am here on a Sunday afternoon, feeling as if I have done nothing. Now, I know that this is not true. I often wonder if I set myself up for feeling this way by creating a nearly impossible to-do list for myself. I did try to rest yesterday, telling myself that I would have plenty of time to do things today. Well, today came along moving at lightning speed. I did cross a few tasks off of my list today, but not as many as I had hoped for.

Part of my difficulty right now is that I spent some time and effort at the end of the week working through some emotional barriers. A limiting belief that I thought was “dealt with” reared up and stopped me in my tracks.  I always am amazed when I think that I have completely dealt with something and find it once again staring me in the face. When I slay the demons in my life, I find that they still have roots buried deep within and I have to get deep down to the root of it all in order to truly be free. This is what happened to me this week.

I have done a good job of dealing with the negative voices in my head. I see them as monsters or demons, and work hard to slay them. In true horror movie fashion, they often are not “completely dead”. They attempt to rise up again, once again showing up in my life, daring me to kill them again. So I do. They don’t pop up immediately, or even a short while down the road after my first battle with them.. This week the “not worthy” monster crept back into my head, and I had to look deep into exactly where this thing originated. I figured it out, then cut the head off again. Great. Situation over, monster gone. At least for now.

But I often find that I have some residual emotional sludge after this type of event. It took a lot of energy to slay the monster. And here I sit on a Sunday afternoon, not doing anything. I realized that it took a lot of energy to address the belief that was holding me back. But there is still work to be done. So what to do? I kind of forced myself to get up. I used the Mel Robbins 5 Second Rule, counted down from 5, and got to work. And, I’m typing.

So, what is the lesson in all of this? (You know I will find one!)  First, I need to stop creating these huge to-do lists after really hectic weeks. Second, I am going to love myself enough to give myself a break. The Heroine slayed the dragon, but it took all of her energy to do so.  Therefore, I am going to stop beating myself up for not getting a ton done. I did get some things done and sometimes that has to be enough. Even though I feel slowed by the emotion that I have experienced, I have survived the emotion and moved on, doing what I can. And finally, I will sharpen my sword. That monster may try to rise again, but I will be ready.

Rest, don’t quit. That’s how the saying goes. I scheduled (actually, we scheduled) a staycation around Labor Day. I knew when the dates were set that I would try to see how much non-work work I could get done. Once we got to the days off, I actually stopped, and rested. And immediately felt guilty for doing that. Why is it that I always feel guilty for resting? I know that I have a guilt complex around quitting. I have quit things far too many times in my life, and I am super sensitive about quitting things. My problem is when I take a rest, my brain tries to tell me that I am quitting something. So over the past few days, I have had to remind myself that I am not quitting, I am resting. But I still feel guilty. I am constantly thinking about what I should be doing, what I could be doing, and beating myself up for not doing any of those things. It is ridiculous. I often don’t enjoy my time off because I am constantly thinking about what I should be doing. Ridiculous.

I often try to figure out why I think the way I do. And that can be dangerous territory. In this case, I am aware of my history of quitting things and fear that I am doing it again. I’m not sure that I need to spend hours (or days!) analyzing this history. I just need to know that it is a pattern that I developed after repeating the behavior/habit over and over again. I recognize that I don’t want to do it anymore, and that the pattern does not help me be the best I can be. So no overthinking. No overanalyzing it. Just seeing the pattern as it is.

And…now that I recognize this pattern, it’s time to change it. I am determined to break it and start a new habit of resting, recognizing that I am in fact NOT quitting, and enjoying the time away from all forms of work. Without guilt. (Now that’s the hard part.)  But I am determined to do this, to improve my mindset, to have a little more inner peace. And I will return to work refreshed, rejuvenated and grateful for the time away.

Rest, don’t quit. And ENJOY it…!

Growth…a word that intrigues me at every turn. I am focused on always growing and always helping others to grow. But when you say the word, when you tell yourself and others that you are growing, do we really understand what we are saying?

Of course I went to the dictionary. And I discovered that perhaps growth is not the best term for this process that we speak of. Growth led me to development. I’m fine with that, as I use that term regularly: personal development. Professional development. It works.

But a deeper look at the definition of development led me to another word that felt much more in line with my thoughts and feelings: evolution. According to Merriam-Webster, evolution is defined as a process of change in a certain direction. Evolution.

I like it.

(WARNING: lots of words ahead!)

I think about this because there are many elements to growth/development/evolution. The one that I am obsessed with at this point in my life is commitment. In order to grow/develop/evolve, you must be committed to it.

We can say that we are going to grow/develop/evolve and start the process of learning, perceiving, analyzing, and reviewing what we need in order to do it, but the level of commitment is just as important as the process of evolving itself. I have started out on many projects, intent on growing/developing/evolving (usually I say that I want to learn,) and end up not finishing what I start. Well, learning is one thing, but growing/developing/evolving is something else. I don’t stay committed to the process, and that is where my growth/development/evolution falters. I may learn SOMETHING in the effort, but the lack of follow through and finish only serves to stunt the growth/development/evolution that I sought out in the first place.

So what the heck am I trying to say? I am saying that you have to COMMIT to the process of growth/development/evolution throughout the entire thing. You decide to do something, start it, then you fall off, things wane, you don’t finish. I heard a basketball coach say: ”I can teach them the play, but they have to COMMIT to it in order to have it work.”

COMMIT. I was thinking about a project that I have been working on for a very long time. It is mostly done. But this particular project cannot be deemed a success until it is completely done. Completely. There seems to be one section, one area that does not appear finished. (Don’t’ you hate the all-or-nothing stuff?  I want partial credit!)  Well, here’s the life metaphor: You can’t always get partial credit for stuff in life.  Sometimes it is do it or don’t. You do your best or don’t. And I don’t mean this in terms of what others measure you on. I mean this in terms of how you view yourself. When you’re alone. And thinking. And feeling that you’re not there yet. Because you’re not there yet. And you know it. And that sucks.

So, commit. From start to finish. When you start to slip, or find excuses, you have to go back to why you started in the first place. This is the reason that your “WHY” has to be so strong. Because if it is not, you probably won’t continue. You won’t finish. If you know your why and can’t seem to move forward, then it is time to review your favorite list of fears…fear of success? Fear of failure (or are you just accepting the lack of finish as a less painful failure?) Fear of less? Fear of scarcity? Fear of never?

For me, regarding this particular task, brings out a fear of success. Because it may lead to more responsibilities, more time doing things in my already busy schedule, others relying on me to be somewhere doing something. But my “WHY” is clear – it will allow me to help other people and bring a modicum of joy to someone, which is why I’m here on this earth at this moment in time. So, here I am, planning to commit to the task at hand, and follow it through to the end. I have to believe that I can get this done. I do believe that I can get this done. I have the tools to do it. I have to believe in myself – and understand that the benefits outweigh the costs.

I do believe that, so let’s go.

What do you believe? Do you believe in yourself? What do you believe about yourself? The good stuff? The bad stuff? All the stuff?

Do you tell yourself that you believe something, but know deep down that you absolutely don’t? Funny how that happens, right? I spend a lot of time convincing myself that I believe something, and just as I think I’m good, the good old ego goes, “Yeah, right.” And the fight begins. The analysis. The over thinking. The inner argument with myself (really it’s me versus the ego/personality).

This usually happens when I set out to do something new, something that stretches me and I can grow from. I tell myself that I have the capability to learn something, try something, or do something, and the old thoughts come up: “No you can’t”, “Why bother”, “It won’t work”, etc.  This is the programming in my brain that has been working for years. I now recognize it as a protective measure, a mechanism to keep me “safe”. And comfortable. But I can’t grow, I can’t move forward, embarking on new journeys if I stay the same or stay in the same place. I have had to work hard to know when the old patterns happen and develop a method to question and overcome this faulty programming.

Over the years I have developed a “checklist” to vet my thoughts at times. I have used this with myself as well as with my clients to get through those stubborn thoughts that everyone struggles with and often color our world, thoughts and mood. I will share the short version of the checklist with you :

1. Is it true? Is the thing that you are believing actually true? Or are you just working really hard to CONVINCE yourself that it is true because that would be easier that doing the work? (That’s often a tough one to swallow; your ego is an expert on giving you an easy out. Often this starts with “it would be too much work.”)
2. What’s the WORST thing that could happen? (Hint: if this moment of analysis doesn’t end with “I could die” then you will probably be okay.)
3. Is this going to matter to you in a year? In 6 months? In 3 months?  (I use this one to see if I am giving way too much energy to something that doesn’t deserve it. Energy is precious.)

I usually end up having a truth-telling session with myself to acknowledge that the thing that my ego is telling me I can do is actually possible. I just have to do the work. Oftentimes, the work really isn’t that hard. I make it hard in my mind (thanks again, ego.) And so far, it hasn’t killed me (100% survival rate! Woohoo!)

What are the things that you tell yourself to keep yourself “safe” and comfortable? What are the words that you tell yourself that holds you back? The first step is recognizing what you say to yourself. Then you can begin to develop new patterns in your brain that lead to new and exciting journeys in your life!